I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe part of it is knowing for the past week about the loss my family and I are going to experience soon. Maybe it’s just been “one of those days”. The kind of day when you just “wing it” and wait for the end of the day so that you can unwind…from nothing, when it comes down to it.
My granny (mom’s mom) is going to pass away soon. She’s been on dialysis treatments for about 5 or 6 years now and last Sunday (or Monday) she made the decision to stop her treatments. Which means that pretty soon, she is going to go home and live with Jesus. I haven’t seen her for about 5 or 6 years. I got to talk to her on the phone a little bit a few days ago, which was comforting. My mom is with her and the rest of the family, while my dad, brother, younger sister and I are here at home. Knowing that my granny is going to die soon…I don’t know how to describe what that feels like. It’s a little different from when my granddad (dad’s dad) passed away back in 2002. It doesn’t make things any easier to deal with, though.
Today hasn’t been weird, but it’s not felt normal. Usual morning routine, some video games, more morning routine, more games…then work. I got off work, had a cigar while I spent some time on the roof of the parking garage next to where I work just thinking about the day and this past week, and about my life in general. Nothing profound – just thinking and wondering.
Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and keep all my thoughts and worries and wonderings out of arms reach, so that I can rest. I don’t usually cry over anything, unless I hurt myself really bad or unless something major happens, like losing a relative or close friend. But sometimes I wonder if I need a good cry to let everything pour out. It’s almost overwhelming.
* * * * *
“Feels like the hurricane has come, feels like this ship is sinking. These skies seem empty of Your mercy tonight. Sometimes the miracle of grace runs deeper than I’m thinking. In the dark I find Your light.
[chorus] When I’m over my head, yeah, I’m waiting for a miracle. I’m fighting the wind and the waves. Then the weight of the storm drives me straight to Your arms. You hold me, I know that I’m safe in the eye of the hurricane.
Sometimes I’m crying for relief, God let this night be over. One word if you would speak could silence this storm. Instead Your mercy has a way of turning heartache to faith that hope will be reborn.
When I’m too weak to make it through, that’s when You draw me close to You. One thing I know is always true, Your love doesn’t change.
– lyrics to “Eye of the Hurricane”, by Me In Motion.