Train of Thought

Hello again. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? 2013 was an interesting year. Full of an assortment of good, bad and the in-between. I’ve been thinking about getting back on here and writing more regularly – or as close to what can be considered ‘regularly’. I’ve had a lot on my mind recently. Some people have noticed something amiss with me (or suspected I was not feeling like my usual self) and I put it off by saying I was ‘ok’, or saying that I just had a lot on my mind and hadn’t sorted it out. Accurate, but not the whole truth. Which brings me to my reason for writing this.

I titled this post “Train of Thought” for a couple reasons. First, all that I’ve had on my mind has felt all wibbly-wobbly, like an episode plot of Doctor Who. Or the 3rd challenge of the Tri-Wizard Cup in the film version of Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire (the maze that had shifting walls). Second, that hopefully by writing this I’ll get things sorted out and my mind will feel less cluttered. I don’t know how long it will be. I don’t know if it will be coherent. I know where it starts, but where it goes after that is anyone’s guess. So, without further ado…all aboard!

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I’m not a perfect man. Not by any means. I’m nowhere close to being perfect. If you asked me what I would change about myself if given the opportunity, I’m sure I could make a list. But I don’t want to. Because every little imperfection that I see in myself, every mistake I’ve ever made (whether I remember it or not), every good and bad thing that I’ve experienced has helped shape me into who I am today.

So, no, I’m not perfect.

I’m broken. I’m hurt. I’m ashamed of some of the things I’ve done and choices I’ve made. I’m someone who puts on a brave face because I don’t know what else to do. Sometimes I don’t know how to let go of past mistakes. I tend to look on the more negative side of things instead of seeing the good that’s right in front of me. I’ve owned 5 cars in less than 2 years. I’m turning 30 in April and I’m not really looking forward to it at the moment. I hide what I’m feeling and keep it inside because I don’t know how to explain it to someone, or I feel like they wouldn’t understand. And sometimes when I think of all the years I’ve spent doing all those things I don’t know how I could change or how someone could accept me in spite of all my flaws, cracks, mistakes and broken pieces. Sometimes I feel like there’s too many ‘skeletons in the closet’, as it were.

I don’t know where that phrase came from, but it’s found a comfortable place in my mind to stick itself. I’ve heard people talk about ‘having all this baggage’. I guess I found a different way of saying what they meant.

I can feel the weight of the hurt inside. It feels heavier than before. Or maybe I’ve begun to take more notice of it. Perhaps it has worn me down, slowly, over a long period of time. Down to the point where I’m starting to feel like I can’t – or don’t want to – fight it anymore. I’ve been thinking that maybe what I’m feeling is regret over a decision I made some time ago. It felt like the right decision at the time. Now I am not so sure. What I want versus what the right thing to do is.

I say that like they are two different things. Or like what I want is wrong. What if what I want isn’t wrong? How then do I choose between what I want and what I feel I should do? I’ve begun to pride myself on ‘doing the right thing’. Has it been my downfall? (You know, ‘pride goeth before a fall’) Have I gotten to the point where I will respect another person’s decision/wishes/feelings; where I will make and abide by my own decisions even though it could cause me pain later on down the road?

“Return with honor.” That’s something I’ve tried to live by ever since discovering that phrase. Doing the right thing. That’s another way to look at it. But what if what I believe to be the right thing to do actually isn’t? What if it’s a situation where there is no right or wrong decision? I guess I’ve taken the whole ‘do the right thing’ so literally that I feel like I have to do the right thing, regardless of what I may or may not want out of a particular situation.

I’ve been hurt before. I’ve also been the one to hurt someone else. Nothing I do will ever change that. All I can do is try my best to not let it happen again. “I’d sooner break my own heart than be responsible for breaking someone else’s.” I came up with that a long time ago. Don’t remember exactly when. I was probably feeling extra moody about something or other. Putting the other person needs/wants ahead of your own is important, isn’t it? I don’t want to be selfish though.

Writing is therapy for me, in a way. I’m more likely to be apprehensive about telling someone all of this in person. At first anyway. Maybe. Perhaps.

Fish sticks and custard.

I’m growing my hair out for the second time. Don’t know if I’ll do it again.

I suppose I should write more often. More often than “when it suits me”. Books are good, I should read more. Also more often than “when it suits me”. ..actually, ‘when it suits me’ needs to happen more often.

Stuff gets in the way, though. Life stuff, work stuff, overthinking stuff, car stuff. That last one can go away and bother someone else. I’ve had enough over the last two years – in 2013 alone, even – to last me a very long time.

Somehow, no matter what corner I shove all my problems in, no matter how hard I hide them, there always comes a time when they start leaking out again. When people can see through the masks I put on.

Suffering in silence. That just popped into my head. Why? I know, you can’t answer that. It was meant for me anyway. Not sure why. Maybe because it would take me too long to get my point across. (“Well, why don’t you just give me the important points?” or “Well, why don’t you just give me the short version?” ..Because it’s my story to tell, or my message to convey, or whatever. Mostly, because “I’m telling the story!” and I’m going to tell it the way that works best for me and if it’s too long for you or if you’re having a hard time following it, then too bad or pay better attention. ..because I don’t know how to tell it any different way other than what my gut instinct is.)

Suffering in silence. “Why don’t you talk more?” ..maybe because I was taught that if I don’t have anything nice to say than I shouldn’t say anything at all. ..maybe because I don’t bloody want to. ..maybe I had a long or rough day and just want to rest and relax.

…just let me be me and don’t try to get me to change into the way you think I should be…

Being a quiet person/introvert is not something to be ‘cured’ or ‘fixed’. “Have you tried being more outgoing?” or “You just need to be more outgoing.” Maybe I tried that and it didn’t work for me. “Well, then you’re not doing it right.” ..and that’s the point where I get mad at the other person and go back to being quiet. “You just need…”, “You should do this…” No, what I need to do or be is for me to determine. If I don’t know what to do or can’t figure it out and wish for advice/input from someone, I will say so and/or ask for it. …usually…

I used to write a lot of poetry. Much of it is kinda depressing or sad. Probably since that is how I was feeling at the time. I never really got inspired to write much ‘happy’ poetry. Except for one in particular, titled “Dear Little Angel Mine”. A few others come to mind, but that last one sticks out the most.

I’m not a fan of cold winters anymore, but I think every kid should have an opportunity to build a snowman at least once.

Dear Android OS autocorrect: Screw you. The iPhone is way better at understanding what I meant to type. If I type 600-630, that does not mean I wanted to say 60-70000. It is also better at adding punctuation I was too impatient to type myself.

I like Earl Grey tea. It’s my favorite. I always drink it the way Captain Picard (Star Trek: The Next Generation) ordered it. “Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.” No sugar, no honey, no milk, no lemon. Plain. Hot.

“Hello, Bigshot! I mean, uh, jahwol, Kommandant Bigshot! I mean, uh, forget it.” (Ah, Sgt Schultz…)

” ‘Christian boy said ‘fart’ this time! I can’t take this, he said ‘fart’! ..We don’t say ‘fart’, we say ‘toot’.’ ..And that makes it smell a whole lot better.” (Virtual fist bump if you know where this quote is from)

“Child,’ said the Lion, ‘I am telling you your story, not hers. No one is told any story but their own.”

I can think of decisions I regret making. Some of them were bad decisions. Some of them were not. Not all of my bad decisions had bad consequences, or rather, side effects. My decision to move from CA to AZ in 2008 was poorly thought through, but if I hadn’t done that, I would not have ended up with an 1984 BMW that turned out to be one of the coolest cars I’ve ever owned. Conversely, sometimes a good decision can have negative side effects. Example – deciding to move to CA for the summer to fill in for an intern at AT&T only to be told 2 days after I arrived that I couldn’t fill in for the intern because I was not technically a student anywhere at the time.

Other decisions I have mixed feelings about. Or something. Not necessarily bad, but perhaps not the best thing that could have been done in a particular situation. ..If that makes sense. It brings me back to what I want versus what I think I should do, or what I think the right thing to do is.

I’m not sure what’s next. Both in life and in this post. I might think of something to add, but put it in earlier than this. (Crazy part is that you’ll never know if I did or not, or where it may have been put if I did.)

I’m carrying a lot of stuff. After everything I’ve been through so far, I don’t know how anyone else could go through the same and not have some kind of burden on their shoulders. I’ve dealt with mine in different ways over the years. I’m not sure which parts have fallen off on their own, which ones I’ve dropped, or which ones are still there. Maybe none of them have been lost. Maybe they’re still hanging around. It feels like that sometimes. Like everything is there, all together, weighing me down. And it makes me tired. Kind of how this guy looks:

uktv-doctor-who-the-crimson-horror-33

That’s Matt Smith as the 11th Doctor in an episode of Doctor Who. Not sure which one – haven’t seen it yet. I had a difficult time finding a photo of him in character and with the right expression on his face – a mixture of sadness and weariness, from being weighed down by the loss of past companions, the loss of Gallifrey (his home planet) in the Time War, among other things. Maybe sadness from being alone so much. He often tries to hide it all (sadness, weariness, pain, etc) from those who travel with him, or those he encounters in his travels. Sometimes he’s successful, sometimes he’s not. Sometimes he thinks he is, but someone (usually someone who has spent enough time with him to know when he’s hiding those feelings) can tell but chooses not to say anything.

The expression on his face – that sadness, weariness, hurt/pain, or whatever else you might think he’s feeling at that moment. I feel like that’s the expression I try to keep hidden when I’ve got too much (past stuff and present stuff) on my mind.

*(That is an awesome outfit he’s wearing. Wouldn’t mind getting one just like it.)

…yeah. …I think the train’s pulling in to the station now. Don’t know when the next ride is. Just one final thing before I disembark…

(I borrowed this final bit from a friend’s Facebook post and tailored it to fit me.)

I’m quirky, silly, blunt and broken. My days are sometimes too dark and my nights are sometimes too long. I often trip over my own insecurities. I require attention, long for passion and wish to be desired. I use written words to speak when spoken words fail me, even though both are as important to me as the air I breathe. I love hard and with all that I have…and even with my faults, I am worth loving.

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End of line.